you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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