you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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