i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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