i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
