Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
