Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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