TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
