Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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