Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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