He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
a search helicopter?!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
