She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
