My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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