I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wat bout pragnant strippers??
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
