i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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