Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
