Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
