Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
