Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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