Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
