if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
