sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
People in love make me want to vomit
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
