We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
