just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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