Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
