If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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