Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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