god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
