Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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