Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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