I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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