I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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