I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
