she looked like the before picture.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize