Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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