true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
