Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
