I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
