mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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