don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
