The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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