Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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