Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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