Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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