He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
