Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
