Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
