She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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