A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
