I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
