You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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