i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
