after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize