just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
