i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
