hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
