____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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